Marie Bérubé and Marc Vachon, psychologists.
 Fourth Tool.
Deciding How To Interpret Events.
Change is inevitable. Only our perception of it can vary. The meaning we attribute to events is largely determined by our beliefs or certainties about ourselves, our capabilities, people, and life in general. One of lhe notable differences between those who succeed in dealing with major changes and those who do not is that the former have beliels which help them while the latter have beliefs which paralyze them.
What are beliefs? They are best described as a feeling of certainty which make us act and react in a definite way towards events or people. They do not represent reality yet we act as if they do. They have a major impact on our perception of reality and our behavior. To appreciate their power, simply recall those famous sugar pills and other placebos which have a real effect on almost 35% of people. Their healing power is purely psychological though the relief and healing they provide are real. Experiments have Indeed shown Ihat a placebo can effectively reduce suffering and even heal if the person believes in its effectiveness. This Is an energizing bellef.
What a difference there Is between an individual who believes that, no matter what, there is always a positive side, that in time and with a little effort, things will work out, that if he tries, he will succeed, and another individual who believes that there is a certain age for leaming and he Is naturally passed it, who cannot change his habits, etc. Some people believe that they can make it through anything, that nothing happens without a reason while others oonstantly say the worst lies ahead, we haven't seen anything yet, these things only happen to them and they have no choicel The illusion of not having a choice is likely one of the most paralyzing beliefs.
Several paralyzing beliefs are making change more difficult in the woriking world today. To believe, for example, that all the problems we are experiencing prove that change is bad, to believe that we are headed for disaster or, the opposite, that things will go back to the way they used to be, that we are purposely being kept In the dark, that management has lost control, that it simply doesn't care, etc.
We should replace these paralyzing thoughts with beliefs which mobilize and support us. We believe the three most important and basic beltels to help us take charge are:
- We probably cannot prevent change but we can al least control our reactions to it.
- Controlling our emotions increases our control over the situation.
- Controlling our thoughts helps us control our emotions.
Beliefs help lend meaning to what happens to us. Are beliefs true or false? II you believe them to be true, they are for you as they determine your way of perceiving life and your behaviour which, in tum, will reinforce your belief. It is more pertinent to know whether they serve or harm us, paralyze or help us grow and attain our obfectives and live.
It is up to each of us to make a small inventory of our beliefs regarding work, the future and our capabilities to face it. This may help explain our present feelings of powerlessness and defeat. It is more important to choose beliels which support us and give us hope and energy, some meaning to what is happening, and to adhere to them even if we do not see immediate results. It took years to build up these paralyzing beliefs. Let us take time to establish new ones which witt help and not hinder us. (See Box 3: My beliefs)
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BOX 3. Helpful and Paralysing Beliefs
- Which beliefs do you need most at present? Should you believe that no matter what happens, you have the will and the necessary resources to succeed, you have
what it takes to create your own job or succeed in your relationship , etc.
- Write down at least one which you can adopt immediately.
- Write down one or two of your beliefs which appear paralyzing.
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Fifth Tool.
Giving Yourself Accessible Rules Within Your Control
A teacher gave us an example that will illustrate this point.
"When I began teaching, over 20 years ago, I wanted more than anything to feel I was a good teacher and experience the satisfaction of being competent. I realized that in order for me to enjoy this state of mind, I had to follow certain rules of my own, for example that ALL students, without exception, give me their undivided attention during the three hours of my class. If even one of them had the misfortune to yawn, look elsewhere, talk to a neighbor or -the supreme insult - sleep, I would leave my class feeling I had failed and was a bad and uninteresting teacher. As you can see, I had drawn up a rule for feeling competent - a difficult rule to comply with as so many factors were beyond my control. I could not indeed control my students' quantity of sleep the previous night, the number of hours of work or courses they had before mine, their emotional state before entering my class and a number of other unrelated factors which could explain why they were more or less attentive. In other words, I gave myself rules that set me up to feel incompetent, making it difficult and almost impossible to succeed given the number of external factors I could not control.”
Regarding the states of mind you wish to create in order to deal with changes, assess the rules and standards which will enable you to experience them. We often see ourselves as failures due to the unreasonable standards we set and the numerous factors beyond our control. Today, this teacher relies on a much more accessible rule within his control.
“When I have done my very best and applied myself thoroughly, I feel competent and satisfied. This, in turn, increases my feelings of competence thus creating a positive frame of mind which succeeds in attracting the attention of my class.”
Think of the person who will only feel good, secure or happy once his mortgage and debts have been paid off, his children are grown and successful, following retirement and financial security, after winning the lotto, when no longer surrounded by such a gloomy atmosphere, when a certain person he works with is transferred, etc.
Now think of the person who is happy at the sight of light filtering through the leaves on a tree, during a dinner with friends or family, at a chance meeting with an acquaintance or following successful accomplishment of a task, etc. Which of the two do you think is more likely to be happy? Undoubtedly, the one whose rules are more accessible.
It is thus very important to be aware of the unconscious rules we give ourselves to create the states of mind we need the most. We must furthermore verify whether they are accessible and change them to simplify our task and give us the opportunity to experience these emotions more often.
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BOX 4. Giving Youlself Accessible Rules
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Take hold of a state of mind you wish to experience more often and which you can set as your personal objective. Now yourself: what do I need In order to feel this emotion and experience this state of mind?
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Then evaluate whether these rules are within your control. (The situation will have to stabilize for me to feel less nervous is an example of a rule beyond your control).
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Which beliefs do you need most at present? Should you believe that no matter what happens, you have the will and the necessary resources to succeed, you have what it takes to create your own job or succeed in your relationship , etc.
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Write down at least one which you can adopt immediately.
- Write down one or two of your beliefs which appear paralyzing.
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Sixth Tool.
Deciding to Take Action and Motivating Yourself to Take Action
Deciding what you want and deciding to take action to attain an objective are the best antidotes for feelings of powerlessness. Making a decision does not simply mean expressing a vague wish or preference such as “I would like to excel in such a field” or "1 would like to meet more people" or "I would like to relax". A true decision, unlike a wish, therefore implies an action, however small.
There are two ways to motivate yourself to take action - either by the prospect of pleasure or the desire to avoid pain. People who suffer through an ordeal decide at some point in time to act and escape from their impasse when the suffering becomes unbearable and the pain of doing nothing is greater than the pain of doing something.
Many people in the workplace currently suffer from new conditions they are personally experiencing. Perhaps this pain will push them to act and shake them out of their lethargy. Nothing is more sterile than a situation which is neither bad nor good: one is neither happy nor sad and this makes it more difficult to change and live fully. How many, for example, only stop smoking when diagnosed with lung cancer? How many begin to diet and eat properly only after a heart attack? How many will actively nurture their spiritual side only after experiencing total exhaustion, burnout or depression?
Use your imagination before you reach your limit. View your situation as being more painful than it really is by visualizing the worst that could happen if you do not take action. The brain does not differentiate between the real and the imaginary. Conjure up a more frightening picture of the situation and its possible repercussions on your health, personal life and your life as a couple and force your brain to push you to take action to avoid this pain. Acknowledge that not taking action is more painful than taking action.
Then consider the pleasure you would feel if you acted and reached your objective and consequently, the positive effects on you, your physical, emotional and spiritual health and on the people living with you. This is what we call using pleasure and pain to motivate oneself to take action.
Once motivated, take immediate action with the means at your disposal. Since you know where you are heading and what frame of mind to adopt, choose your means carefully with your desired direction in mind. Performance and efficiency both in the workplace and in your personal life are directly connected to your perception of having control over your environment. Knowing what you want and taking action towards that objective are two of the most effective ways of succeeding.
© Communication Pro Santé Inc.
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