Creative Ways of Dealing With Change

(third part )

Marie Bérubé et Marc Vachon, psychologists.

Seventh Tool: Being Flexible and Letting Go.

You have decided on what you want and on your frame of mind and you have acted using the means at your disposal. Now you are noticing that, though you have carried them out consistently, some of the actions have not brought about the desired results. Do not get discouraged! Do not blame yourself! Do not feel guilty! Do not blame anyone else! Do not look for a culprit! If what you do is not working, TRY SOMETHING ELSE! Anything else is preferable to whatever you are doing which is not effective.

Unfortunately, we see so many people who repeatedly choose the same course of action though they know for a fact that it does not work. Notice how a fly trapped in a house will attempt to escape. Drawn to the light of the window, it heeds towards freedom only to dash itself against the glass. It can repeat this behavior for hours until it is exhausted or dies, even though this method is totally ineffective. The fly dies from a lack of flexibility…

Human beings fortunately have an almost unlimited capacity for learning. If they sometimes behave like a fly, it is not due to their genetic failings but rather because other choices have not been explored. They should not be blamed for this behavior but rather encouraged to consider and act upon other possibilities. Eventually, they can be urged to discard certain choices and aim for a state of well-being.

Something must be renounced in order to progress, as I will illustrate with a little anecdote. There is a country, where in order to trap a monkey, the top part of a marrow is cut and fastened solidly to a tree. Rice is placed inside the coconut and the monkey, attracted by the food, approaches and sticks its hand inside. Grasping the rice, its closed fist cannot get out and the monkey remains trapped long enough to be captured. If it opened its hand and released the rice, it would
Be set free.

In conclusion, if your methods are not working, forget them actively seek new ones which will enable you to achieve your goal even if you must let go of something.

Eight Tool: Learning to Ask the Right Questions.

Every second, our senses are bombarded by tons of Information which must be sorted by the brain. As we cannot absorb all this information at once, we must therefore select some and discard the rest. Our state of mind and emotions depend a great deal on the locus of our attention. Think for a moment that during your holidays while you are relaxing and contemplating a flower, someone suddenly asks you when you are returning to work. Your attention is immediately diverted to the following Monday and you feel discomfort in the pit of your stomach: your state of mind has instantly changed because the focus of your attention has been shifted. Those who succeed in getting through difficult times seem to consciously decide where to divert their attention thus affecting their state of mind. Change the focus of your attention and you will immediately change your state of mind. How?

One of the best ways of shifting our attention is to ask ourselves questions. We are constantly asking ourselves questions, consciously or unconsciously, thereby guiding our conscience in a certain direction and eliminating all others for a few moments. Think of the times when someone has asked you the name of a certain person or place and your brain immediately begins the search, which may even take a few minutes while everything else is forgotten. This is one of the ways our brain functions and takes hold of reality.

Beware of the questions we regularly ask ourselves. What state of mind do you think the following questions will put us in?

• Why do these things only happen to me?
• What did I do to deserve this?
• Why do I have to do that work?
• Why can’t I ever be up-to-date?
• Why am I never lucky?
• Why doesn't anything I do ever work out?
• Why is life so unfair?
• How do they think we're going to make it?
• Why doesn't anybody care about us?

Your brain will indeed seek and find the answers, as this is its role. These answers, however, may undermine our self-confidence or stir up feelings of powerlessness, defeat, doubt or of being a victim, etc. What a difference with the answers our brain will supply if we ask the following instead:

• What do I really want?
• What can I learn from this unpleasant situation?
• Is there any humor in this situation?
• What could I change to make things operate more smoothly?
• How can I do this and have fun?
• What can I do today to help me reach my objective?
• How can I make this day enjoyable?
• How can I make someone I love or like happy?
• How can I be successful in this new job?
• Which interesting person will I meet today?
• What am I proud of in my life? Who loves or likes me?

The questions we regularly ask ourselves and the answers we obtain have the power to mobilize or paralyze us. We must ask ourselves the right questions that will help us discover our own internal resources. In his book, Stress et travail,' guide de survie (Stress and Work: Guide to Survival), Daniel Lambert notes “I only have one criteria to find out whether a question is worth being asked: is the answer useful to me”.

Practice writing a few questions that you could consciously ask yourselves with answers that help build up your confidence and self-esteem. Draw up a detailed list and take the time to ask yourself these questions with the aim of obtaining an answer. Remember that we can draw our attention at any time on whatever makes us feel better or, the opposite, whatever makes us feet worse. We should ask questions that will put us in touch with our resources and make us "proactive".

I naturally have a hard time imagining, after your boss tells you your position has been abolished and you've been transferred to another one - an evening shift - that you would react by saying "Alright! Where's the humor in this?' Of course, you must take the time to deal with your emotions, experience the disappointment, anger or frustration. But when the time comes when you need to rely on a more dynamic state of mind to help you face the change, then these pro­active questions will help you. How much time does it take to bounce back from such a major change? This depends on our beliefs on the subject. How long does it take to recover from the death of a loved one? Some will say one year, some will say two and others will say one never recovers. Who is right? Everyone is right. Whatever our belief, it will be true for us.

Ninth Tool: Learning to Protect Yourself

It is very strange to hear people complain about how dull a certain television series is and yet continue to watch it, week after week. It is also odd to hear people grumble about a poisoned working atmosphere and then see them huddled in small groups in the corridors, eagerly listening and contributing to gossip about such and such a person or what lies ahead (the worst, of course). Hearing others moan about the horrible state of the world is likewise strange especially when we notice how quick they are to be first in line for the bed news.

We should not underestimate the impact the focus of our attention has on our spirits and to a greater extent, on our motivation. Hiding ourselves away in a shell of indifference is not the answer but we must sometimes choose to rely on some form of intellectual protectionism. This is an undeniable measure of security for those who wish to survive in a particularly depressing environment. Take the decision to defend yourself.

This implies, for example, that you voluntarily decide to curtail a conversation that only brings you down, that you refuse the company of negative people who only tend to look at the dark side and in general, to consciously avoid people who despite themselves "pollute" your environment. Decide who and what you wish to pay attention to in all facets of your life. If there are times when it is difficult to do otherwise, do not go looking for them.

I advise you to do what you are already accustomed to doing with your remote control during commercials or a boring show: you press "mute" or you zap a program when you cannot stand it any longer. Develop this zapping technique in other areas of your life. There are so many interesting things around you capable of raising your spirits. Giving them your priority will certainly not make you monsters. It is up to you to decide what you will allow into your soul. If you are not in control, no wonder you are frustrated, disinterested and would rather be elsewhere.

In order to achieve this, you must first be aware of what is draining your energy or bringing you down. Only you can tell. Then decide what you can or cannot zap. Perhaps you cannot eliminate certain difficult meetings, certain individuals you must work with, etc. But there are undoubtedly many factors and people you can effectively protect yourself from, thus freeing up time for more energizing activities or people. Take the time to make a small inventory of what you will focus your attention on and measure the impact on your state of mind.

In many work places, certain groups have even developed protection codes. When one member of the group notices that they have ventured into demobilizing subjects over which they have no control, they simply say CODE 125 or the word TABOO. As soon as the participating people present become aware of the situation, they back off and immediately change their focus. This could be fun and enriching at the same time. It is up to you to develop your own codes with the others. In order to do so, you must learn to communicate with others.

	Box 5 . Learning to Protect Yourself What are the means you can use to protect and keep your energy? What could you zap out to preserve your spirits and focus your attention on what is most important to you?

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